


Imaginary Lover

by ColtsAndQuills



Series: TFW Bingo 2014 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Masturbation, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2780231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColtsAndQuills/pseuds/ColtsAndQuills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean thought life at the Bunker meant finally getting a little privacy. Too bad Castiel doesn't know the meaning of the word.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imaginary Lover

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. As I understand it, despite certain religious taboos, it’s actually quite a common practice among males, even those who—”

“Cas, will you shut up!” Dean had one hand fumbling with his fly and the other on the lid of Sam’s laptop. Despite slamming it shut with enough force to break the damn thing, there were some telltale moans spilling treacherously from the speaker.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. If you want, I could step outside and let you finish the task at hand.” Castiel paused at the discovery of the pun and started to grin, but the humor dissolved under the heat of Dean’s glare.

"How long were you standing there?!"

The angel understood completely. He recognized the pain on the hunter’s face. Leave it to Dean to push aside others when privately suffering.

“If it’s because of stress, would you like to talk about it?” he asked, using his most condoling head tilt.

“No, for fuck’s sake, I don’t want to talk about it! Guys do not talk about it!”

Well, that had to be a lie. He had heard Dean talk about things of a sexual nature every time something pretty walked by. This, it would appear, was simply another case of the Winchester treating him like an ignorant child.

“Why not?” Cas countered, with all the authority of one who is very versed in such subjects. “In my time as a human, I admit, I explored. There wasn’t much else to do after closing.”

Cas raised one eyebrow. Bit cocky of him, maybe, but he deserved a little gloating. It wasn’t often he could surprise Dean with know-how of this sort.

But Dean’s reaction was confusing. Rather than a shrug of admission, or that dismissive snort he usually made when someone got the better of him, the hunter only stared.

Cas wasn’t sure where this was going, so he stared back. Sometimes it was best to wait out these moments.

“Please tell me you washed your hands before you worked the slushies,” Dean said, finally finding his voice.

Now that was just insulting. To do otherwise would be unsanitary. Did Dean really think him that vulgar?

“I wasn’t near the  _frozen ice_. I was by the  _magazine rack_ , ” Castiel informed him. “And while the busty asian ladies were all very lovely, I’m not sure they held the same appeal for me. During the process, I found myself thinking more of— don’t look at me like that. I paid for the magazine.”

Dean was appearing increasingly distressed, though Cas attributed it to unfinished business rather than the conversation.

“God help me…” he groaned.

Cas shook his head sympathetically. “With  _that_ , I don’t think so. But if you’re going to continue to be stubborn about relieving yourself of the situation, perhaps I could heal you.”

A moment later, possibly for the best, depending on who you asked, Sam walked through the door. He arrived just in time to see his brother grappling with the angel — one red-faced and shouting the Lord’s name in vain, the other, palm glowing and brows resolutely set as he reached for Dean’s salvation. They both froze at Sam’s entrance.

"Uh…" Sam absorbed what was before him for a full five seconds before coming to the conclusion that he didn’t want to know. "I was just looking for my laptop."

All three pairs of eyes moved to the machine, where the earlier moans had escalated into screams from what could have been a Texas rodeo but probably was not.

As understanding of the situation bloomed, Sam’s lips stretched wide in a grin. This was the kind of ammo that would last for a decade’s worth of teasing.

And Dean damn well knew it.

“EVERYONE, OUT!” the older Winchester bellowed, teeth bared.

Even Cas, seasoned celestial warrior, soldier of God, back-stepped a few paces, moderately alarmed at the way Dean was eyeing them both. He didn’t even bother protesting as Sam grabbed his tie and dragged him from the room. Behind them, the door crashed violently, nearly catching the tail of his coat as they made their hasty escape.

Safe in the hallway, the two shared a moment of silent relief before turning back to the door, through which they could hear a litany of swears reverberating off the walls.  

“Damn it. He still has my laptop,” Sam sighed.

Castiel turned to him with a solemn expression. “I wouldn’t go back in there. He’s in a terrible mood. I believe he’s what you call ‘blueballed.’”

The angel stopped, considering his own words. Suddenly, curiosity lit his face, and to Sam’s panic, he reached for the doorknob.

“Do they really change col—”

**Author's Note:**

> Created for [TeamFreeWillImagine's Bingo Challenge](http://coltsandquills.tumblr.com/post/105295926466/heads-up-for-adult-ish-sorta-but-not-really) over on Tumblr.
> 
> Bingo Prompt: Kink, Masturbation


End file.
